i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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