Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
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