There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
