i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
