can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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