one two three fourrrrnication!
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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