Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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