I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
