good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
