The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
