Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
