I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
