Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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