Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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