I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
