I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
