I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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