listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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