Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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