Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
