I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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