my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
