She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
