winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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