just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
