It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
