I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
