oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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