Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
