I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
