That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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