FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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