I am puke
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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