Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
