I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
