I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
