Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
too bad you live with your parents still
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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