ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
