she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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