I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
