You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude i'm inner monologue high
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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