I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
