I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Michael Bay diarrhea
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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