Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
