the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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