dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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