I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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