2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
