just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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