apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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