She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
