I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
