she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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